Redacted Report on the Proceedings of the Conference for The Study and Continuity of American Stupidity
Delegates from every U.N member nation convened early Monday in the U.N. headquarters in New York for the fourth annual International Conference for the Study and Continuity of American Stupidity. Started by the Iranian, Chinese, and Russian ambassadors in 2009 after the election of a community organizing junior senator with no math skills to the highest office of the government of the United States, the aim of the conference according to its charter is to “study the effects and international consequences of an American polity with little to no concept of anything other than the statistics of professional sports teams and to develop strategies to ensure that this increasingly vital political reality continues to the benefit of the international community.”
The conference kicked off with a speech by the American ambassador to the U.N. and proven 5 time serial liar, Susan Rice. In the speech, ambassador Rice affirmed her commitment to making sure the American public “are the dumbest bunch of asses ever visited on the stage of International relations. ” Ambassador Rice provided further evidence of her conviction in her concluding remarks, “when I was given the privileged by the State Department and this administration to go before the American people and lie five times in as many hours in as many different ways, the American media actually believed what I said and helped to re-elect a man who willfully refused to provide military support to our embassy in Libya, causing the death of 4 Americans. I became convinced, my good colleagues, that the efforts of this fine body have been fruitful. Thank you for all the work that you do.” Asked to comment on that statement , the Libyan delegation agreed, “We here in north Africa are known for our blatant stupidity and greed, but by Allah I swear that was the dumbest shit I have ever seen.”
The Chinese delegation was the first to speak after the invocation, delineating the positive benefits that American stupidity has had on the communist regime, “The peoples Republic of China has thrived off of the stupidity of the American laborer for years, starting with the union shutdown in the 70’s of what is now called the “rust belt”, a string of once prosperous cities running from Chicago to Pittsburgh, as indicated by this map, which allowed, because of the labor union demand that workers tossing rivets be paid 20 dollars an hour, leading to their collapse, the ascendant Chinese steel and fabric producers to ship the damn stuff across the pacific for cheaper than it could be produced in their own backyards. I remember we got a great laugh out of those idiots striking every other day at a meeting with Brezhnev. The man laughed so hard he had to spit out his vodka.”
The Chinese delegate did not limit his speech to past triumphs of American stupidity, though, remarking that, “Current American stupidity is now seemingly solely concentrated and represented in its borrowing habits. All American social welfare structures were designed around and predicated on the ability of the American economy to actually produce things. Since the dumb-asses in the labor movement destroyed the capability of the American economy to produce any real wealth, and now all they produce is Psychology Majors and Miley Cyrus videos, their government has been forced to borrow from us to finance their promised liabilities. And it doesn’t end there, my friends; these idiots are so incomprehensibly stupid that they now borrow money from us to pay just the interest on the money they have already borrowed from us. They then distribute this money to the masses, a circumstance which my Italian colleague noted was reminiscent of the Bread and Circuses of Rome, and then they spend money they borrowed from us on products made by us. Ha! I am sorry. I can’t help it, they are so stupid.” The delegate sat down laughing.
Next to speak was the delegate from Brazil, “Indeed, as the distinguished and astute Chines delegate has surmised, Americans have no concept of number. A grant provided by the American World Education fund allowed Anthropologists to study a tribe in the Amazon which has numerical concepts that are limited to 1,2, and “many.” What the researches discovered is that even without the basic elements of a number system, the tribal nuts and meat accountant could see the idiocy in the American finance scheme. I would like to submit the findings of this study to the archives.”
The Moroccan delegate interjected and a rather interesting dialogue proceeded, ” Yeah, ha ha, we got those idiots to give us 27 million dollars to teach pottery to women.” He claimed.
Wow,” replied the Brazilian, ” that is astounding in its fucking stupidity.”
The floor of the conference erupted in laughter waning to slight murmurs with punctuated fire-cracks of deep belly laughter as the delegates shared stories of American stupidity from Indonesia to the Pyrenees.
After the brief and impromptu interlude, the British Delegate spoke, “As the Chinese have so vividly described, American stupidity is chillingly redolent of our stupidity after the war. With that sniveling devil, Atlee, we accrued so much debt that our foreign policy and our power was contingent on the Americans. Parenthetically, that was when they were still good at doing things. In 1956, our Suez operation was cut short by threats from the Eisenhower to call in our debt, which would have crippled our economy even further than the social engineers could ever accomplish in and of themselves. I would like to congratulate the Chinese on their accomplishment. You are now Eisenhower, and the Americans are Atlee. Nicely Done.”
The Chinese Delegation thanked the British Delegation and the floor was ceded to the Saudi delegate, who outlined American Stupidity and its ubiquity in the Middle East, “The Americans have financed their own enemies in the region for at least 30 years. The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has pumped their university system with petrodollars, aided by the ever generous financing operations of the Chinese, and we have successfully turned every and all Middle Eastern Studies Departments into bought and paid for propaganda wings. We have ransomed them. And they fight our wars for us. The American Army might as well be the Janissaries of the Middle ages. What a bunch of dipshits.”
The Israeli Delegation interjected furiously at this announcement, “The Delegate of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia is quite correct, the Americans are complete idiots. Though, the State of Israel condemns any action utilizing the dimness of the current American administration’s belief that you are a peaceful group of people to attack and slander any other member of this body, as you do in your propaganda outposts in American lower education institutions.”
The Turkish delegation objected on a point of order, “the Israeli delegation was not ceded the floor. We ask that these comments be stricken from the minutes.”
The Palestinian delegation concurred, kind of, ” What Israeli delegation? There are no Israelis here. There are no Israelis anywhere.”
The Israelis rose, incensed, “can someone please point out the flag with that big blue star on it to the Palestinian delegate on his way out of the chamber. ”
The fury continued with the Palestinian delegate remarking that “American stupidity will be your demise, they will give us a state, and you’ll be screwed then.” The Iranian delegate remarked in support and perhaps to assuage the Palestinians that “American Stupidity will ensure that even though there is an Israel now, there will not be for long. While the Americans have been telling everyone that we are economically crippled due to their sanctions, they actually gave waivers to 30 countries. And the others just ignore the restrictions. Our centrifuges are spinning faster than a thought in Obama’s head. ”
The Israeli delegation left the chamber in protest.
The first day of the conference ended with a request by the Canadian and Mexican delegates to change the name of the conference from “The International Conference for the Study and Continuity of American Stupidity” to “The International Conference for the Study and Continuity of Stupidity in The United States.” The delegates defended the proposal saying, “Though the United States has been colloquially and historically known as America for some time now, due to the revelations of the complete and verified idiocy of these people we, the undersigned delegates of Canada and Mexico, believe that an entire continent need not needlessly be stigmatized by the name of these proceedings. The Canadian government has halted its stupid march, and have begun a process of economic revival and moral sincerity in regards to foreign policy, and the Mexican government has excellently and very deliberately scammed those idiots to the north out of billions and billions of dollars via a mass exportation of people and subsequent importation of American capital sent back by the occupying nationals. It is morally obscene, but not stupid. We therefore request that this body change the name in deference to the ingenuity of the Mexican government and the righting of the Canadian one. Thank you. ”
A hasty vote was taken and the measure passed by a slim margin due to the Arabs states reluctance to support the Canadians because of their continued support of the Israelis.
A report on the conference proceedings tomorrow will be rendered as soon as practicable.