Redwood Forest Combustion; Squirrel Kills Japanese Tourist
All of the trees in the Redwood Forest National Park exploded into flames early Tuesday morning after a Japanese tourist crossed the closure barricades into the park and snapped a photo of a squirrel.
“This event has given us a new understanding of the combustion process,” said Stanford Physicist and government Science and Muslim self-esteem analyst, Jason Baron. “On site investigations have pointed to the discovery of a new chemical compound which caused the spontaneous combustion. So far, the name we have given it corresponds to its chemical constituents, OGO or Obama-Government-Oxide, a highly unstable oxidizer that combusts at low temperatures. ”
Asked why this has never happened before, Baron explained that the Japanese tourist inadvertently created the compound when the light from his camera flash reacted with the atmosphere in the absence of government oversight. “This is going to fundamentally change they way we do chemistry and physics. We now have experimental proof of a formerly theoretical concept, the government ether. Back in the 19th century, physicists explained the wave like properties of light by inferring a cosmic ether, though it was later proved false with the Michelson experiment which Einstein used to develop his theory of relativity. Now it appears that these conclusions may have been drawn too hastily.”
The Japanese tourist appears to have narrowly survived the initial combustion process but was then chased down by the squirrel he photographed and mauled and dismembered to death. “It was a gruesome scene,” remarked UC Santa Cruz biologist, Amy Lamarck, “the squirrel was shot and taken in for examination.” Asked to comment on the behavior of the squirrel, Lamarck said the presence of OGO created by the flash and subsequent combustion process caused “rapid changes in morphology and size.”
“The size of the squirrel at death was comparable to a bobcat,” she continued, “and because the government has been shut down for 8 days, it had developed rabies. The result was a large rabid rodent that essentially gnawed the man to death like so many acorns.”
President Obama commented on the events and affirmed his commitment to “make sure that the government ether is attached to every particle in the Universe.” President Obama’s science adviser commented that there are about 10^80 particles in the observable universe, so he is projecting a cost of about 10^100 dollars to implement the program. “We will now be doing our borrowing and spending in scientific notation,” he said.
Further asked the specifics of OGO, Baron said,”nature abhors a vacuum, and the government shutdown caused the ether to recede from those areas that the government oversees. If a citizen or non-Hispanic tourist of this country disturbs this vacuum, the consequence are clearly very dire.”
The non Hispanic constant, NHC, was also discovered today as an immigration rally was held on some government property with no adverse effects or the creation of OGO.
Asked how we can protect ourselves from the government vacuum, Baron concluded that “unthinking emotional hysteria” is essential. “This has to be a global effort. We have to spend a massive pile of money and then spend more money on the apparatus that the former money will be thrown into and in which it will be incinerated. It is further necessary that we continue to blame everything on the republicans.”
Costing a trillion dollars, a report on the incident and a scientific recommendation will be rendered to the Czar of Spending a Crap Pile of Money within the next few weeks.